Who Really Knows How to Handle Loss and Grief?

Sharing this story is far from comfortable, but there is a requirement in my line of work called “Walk the Talk”. Loss and grief are no joke. If this reaches and supports just one person, no matter what side of the equation they are on, then I’ll consider it worth it. 

In my case, synchronicity showed itself as a few friends reached out during my compounded traumatic experiences of loss and grief asking how they could best support their significant other through loss of immediate family members.

I thought, “Wow. This is really up for me.” Not only was I still moving through it, but now I was also being challenged to somehow channel support and advice for those close to myself and my significant other. Just wow. Probably didn’t slay that task at the time.

See this quick list to better understand what your significant other might be experiencing and need.

Most people will turn away from loss and grief toward what is far more inviting – which is pretty much anything and everything else, right? But the funny thing is, we will all experience loss and grief at some point. It will come in varying degrees, but it will come. If we turn away from someone experiencing one of the Top 10 stress-inducing happenings in life, who will we turn to when it’s our turn?  

Learning through multiple compounded experiences, I can say that just one of these 10 stressors is difficult. And that when a few of these are layered and consolidated into a short intense time period, people around us may disappear. Our life trajectory may be forever altered. Sounds dramatic? Yep. It is.

Know that it is not you. Forgiveness is the way forward. 

Where I grew up, sharing personal stories might be classified as “airing dirty laundry”. No wonder everyone is on pills, weed, booze, porn, TV, Instagram, politics, numbing, numbing and more numbing. Coming out of the Industrial Age, and now beginning to move out of the uber “connected” Information Age, many people still refuse to face responsibility. Perhaps stating the obvious for some but being in any type of relationship includes responsibility. As humans, guess what, we are in relationship every dang day. As we move into the next multisensory age, it’s beyond time we hold ourselves accountable.

Unfortunately, many of us grew up in families where talking about anything confronting was avoided completely. This, of course, becomes learned behavior handed down unconsciously from those before us. This lack of communication skills and/or willingness to talk about less than comfortable topics only drives disconnection. As we move into this upcoming multisensory era, boy are we going to be in for some surprises.

The good news is, this can be avoided. Like anything, it takes time and commitment. Not the kind one can schedule on a calendar or time with a stopwatch. Committing to take time to learn, understand, process, give and receive support, and be with what is. It’s a multi-layered process. It can move slowly. It can move quickly. Ask me how.

As a qualitative researcher and storyteller, Brene Brown famously delivered her talk on vulnerability at TedX almost a decade ago. Her research shows that this sharing of truth and vulnerability is what drives connection. 

I also hear her loud and clear when she says, “Not everyone deserves to hear your story.” Living in our truth becomes walking a fine line. Boundaries are essential. We feel this bigtime when we are asked in the wellness world to “walk the talk”. Eeeek.

Doing this “right” is essentially impossible. As they say, yoga teachers are people, too. We are teaching as we learn, and we are learning as we teach. 

Equally, there is no “right” way in a certain amount of “right” time to move through loss and grief. We are human after all. Yet those close to us may attempt to tell us that we are playing victim, not taking responsibility for ourselves, talking too much about feelings (yeah I know, it sucks!) or pressure us immensely to move through the process far too quickly so that things can “get back to normal”. 

But take a good hard look at that person’s upbringings, backgrounds, life path and current realities. Not to mention – have they experienced true loss? This is not about comparison, but to simply notice whether they are coming from - an authentic place in offering opinions (or judgements) – or not. 

We don’t know how people will react to loss and grief until we are sitting in the eye of the hurricane with them. We experience the trauma. Then everything becomes very calm, silent, yielding. However, we sense that the storm is far from over.

In the eye of the storm, it feels like nothing. Everything is numb.  
The people closest to us may not see us. 
They may not hear us.
Over and over. 
Know that it is not you. 
They may want us to snap out of it, get on with it, be “fun” again.

They may judge us, pressure us, and cajole us toward what they perceive we should be doing and how we should be doing it.

They may have ideas about how we should be acting, how quickly we should be making life happen despite this major event (or three), and of course the best way to do, well, everything! 

Why? Because they somehow magically see oh so clearly how we should be moving forward. Frustrating at the time, but with time we gain clarity.

Know that it is not you.

The truth is that they are uncomfortable. This is partly projection. It could perhaps be partly due to lack of empathy depending on the people involved. It could also be a complete unwillingness to be with what is. Some people are also truly empathic or highly sensitive and even indirect trauma can be too much. 

But this is also life! 

As the person going through the loss, this is where we are supposed to find forgiveness. In all transparency, my natural reaction - again - was “F*CK!”.

With time, the best I have been able to come up with is that I, too, have not been in their shoes. They may hold a fear of death. They may have never taken a few moments to consider how this huge event is affecting the person directly related to the loss rather than themselves. There is a good chance they are coming up against themselves in ohhhh so many ways.

Shadows will be revealed. We can run, but we can never hide from our shadows.

The significant other, family, friends, and even co-workers, may have a few lessons of their own to face in this process as well. Shadows arise and we can run, but we can never hide. This is a process. This is a learning process.

This is life. 

Moving forward, we try to remember that everyone will eventually experience loss and grief. Everyone will have to face this shadow. The loss may not be as epic or consolidated into such a short period of time, but no one is immune. 

As much as it sounds completely crazy and unfair, this is an opportunity to love and forgive.

We take the opportunity to look at another and assume that they, too, are doing the best they can. We can only hope the same will be extended. Sure, this sounds outrageously mature and let’s be honest, most people will immediately think, “Screw that.” But here’s the deal… 

The prior examples of why people either run or stay/avoid are all possible. There are also other possibilities at play that take us further into the psychological realm than this article will allow. But briefly…

One example, becoming very prevalent today in many trauma-related situations, is that those who identify as “empathic” come up against intense events that lead them to avoid. In this, they may eventually learn they are not empathetic, but actually lean toward codependent. (Don’t miss this link with Mark Groves of Create the Love.) But we can be both. Nothing is black and white. Another conversation.

This huge loss just happens to be a very inconvenient truth that illuminates the empathic/codependent’s very own survival mechanisms learned and developed within their family of origin which is to ultimately take care of oneself masked in taking care of others. Being giving is awesome. Most of the time, this person has no idea that their actions are stemming out of their own survival mode. They are not conscious that their giving and always being the nice guy is ultimately self-serving. Essentially, this person is unable to function through conflict. Most of the time this is rooted in trauma. When we have unprocessed trauma, we will simply cannot cope. Unfortunately, they have sometimes even convinced themselves that they are fine. And they will try to convince the person that is actually experiencing trauma/loss/grief at the time that they are fine in manners that are highly covert. This is damaging, but an extension of the inability to hold space for another. No one is at fault. It just is what it is.

Most of us have trauma, known as Big and Small T’s.

However, it has also been discovered that even a small trauma can affect one person as deeply as a big trauma affects another. Often due to past unresolved trauma of our own as individuals or handed down through our ancestry. Either way, we can avoid it, but the next experience often sits waiting in the shadows right around the next corner to offer the opportunity to learn, understand and transmute what we attempted to escape from prior.

It really all comes down to cultivating resiliency. We can do this by dropping into modalities such as yoga, meditation, and breathwork. There is no “fixing”. We are not broken. There is only sticking with what is, working through it, and enjoying the beautiful life we have right at our fingertips.

Another common person we run into during our experience of loss and grief is the “stay positive” person. Again, this a coping mechanism of their own.

Telling someone to stay positive is soooo not the way to support someone through loss or any other traumatic event. 

They might also tell you, “You are strong. You will get through this.” Ignoring what someone is going through and turning away completely or turning the conversation to something positive and positively unrelated? Nope. When we are educated, we see right through this. Again, know that it is not you.

Check out this excellent four-minute video: “How do you help a grieving friend?” 

I stood in a conversation with two family members only weeks after losing my younger sister where everyone agreed, “Well, at least you weren’t that close to her.” 

I just stood there. Frozen. No response could escape me. We were not the closest of siblings due to some basics such as: five years difference in age, never attended the same schools, her 20+ year illness and being completely different people with totally different fundamental beliefs. But this doesn’t make one love another any less. My brother and I were also completely blocked out of a lot of attempts to connect with her by codependent family members needing to be in control as the martyrs, saviors and heroes throughout her illness. This also included projections and blame for not being present. A no-win situation that leaves a person blinded with confusion. All of these archetypes at play can make for very complicated family systems. But again, this is life. Most of us have complicated family systems.

Circling back and zooming out on the entire situation, we foster forgiveness. 

The others were just trying to make the loss easier on themselves. The person closest to me even mentioned later on that he had finally gotten over his fear of death. While I was glad to hear this, I was simultaneously astonished and at a loss for words. I tried to remember, “It’s not about me.”

As Ram Dass says, “You wake up as you wake up.” 

In those moments, I had to channel full Namaste-mode in order to let it go and move on. Still numb, still feeling like I was trying to run through quicksand, still trying to meet and exceed unrealistic expectations under what other family members deemed as “formidable conditions”. In all transparency, the numbness likely helped immensely in being non-reactive.

Know that it is not you. 

The fine line we are attempting to walk is wondering when it should be about oneself, and when it should not be when experiencing loss and grief. Finding our way back to love and forgiveness is a tall task. 

My only advice at this point is to speak with professionals. Find a few coming from different backgrounds working in different modalities. Do not give up until you find the right mix. Do not put up with any pressure from anyone regarding how long it should take to move through the grieving process and get life back on track. Heads up. It may take a lot longer than you, and of course, they, hope.

Do:  Grieve deeply.

The responsibility of others, at minimum, is to gain an understanding about loss and grief. Google is right at our fingertips to find out anything one might need to know in a split second. Painfully obvious, but perhaps not at the time. Again, we try to remember that everyone is doing their best.

“Everyone grieves in their own time.”

This phrase is entirely accurate but also does not help. Action is required to handle what is emotionally unfinished due to death, estrangement or both.

The loss of an elder will always be significantly different than the loss of a lover or of a younger person. Even after experiencing losing several other people, this compounded loss was intense, different, and a lengthy recovery. One will never know or be able to relate unless it becomes part of their path, too. We can only hope those around us will eventually come around to understand that we, the people experiencing the loss, were doing the best we could, too. 

If you’ve experienced loss and are seeking support, I’ve got you. If your significant other is experiencing loss and grief, give them a break – for a good long while. Acknowledgment, probably more than once, is the key ingredient. Know that it will take time. Perhaps more time than is convenient, fun or easy. It is what it is.

Seek and Stay to Score Perfect Waves

Seekers - We Are Running Out of Time

Ever stop to notice that the endless seeking for something shiny, better, or new has only left you more lost than ever? Here's what’s likely happening.

We first world humans have a natural inclination to want more, be more, be better, and be perfect. When we encounter each new awakening of sorts, we might suddenly feel the need to run away and go on the now classic “journey”, seeking a way to "fix" ourselves. Welp. That will only get ya so far. The life of a seeker never ends. After a certain point, true magic transpires when we stay and face the waves breaking right in front of us. 

There is nothing wrong with us. We all have “stuff”.  

While important to seek resolutions to greater issues and ailments, we are not broken. What we are dealing with is simply the human condition. We all have this pesky “stuff”. And once we find one answer, there will always be another journey to arrive at the next answer. We all have pluses and minuses. We all mess up. No one is perfect. And time is a-wastin’.

Our generation has been fortunate to go on this journey of self-exploration. Even in the first world, most of our parents didn’t have this luxury. Expectations were to go to school, get married, and have kids in a time when the internet did not exist. Without easy access to information, life was simple as well as more challenging. Most people simply did not have the opportunity to indulge in self-discovery. 

Now we are now beginning to move past the information age. Today, many people are just beginning to “wake up”. We have evolved as a species. We have learned an awful lot about ourselves, our relationships, and how to grow and thrive in the world. We’ve learned how to make life better. 

But we are running out of time.

Without going into the insanity of what’s happening in the world today, if one has learned some things along the way, repaired and resolved the past as best as possible, there is good chance it’s time to step into action. Like, for real. This means, at bare minimum, an effort must be made to have actual conversations that need to be had, own what’s ours, and offer heartfelt apologies. There is no other way to repair and resolve. If we’ve at minimum attempted this whole shin-diggity-dang. Then awesome.

Side Note: This kind of stuff does not become resolved over text or email messages. There is not much neutralization of our nervous systems over messaging. Human connection, people. Face-to-face. Phone call, or hey face-time, if at a distance. Or we can choose to repeat the drama in the next similar situation rather than resolve it now. The choice is always ours. 

Time is Running Out

For those who have hit about 75% of finding peace within their individual issues, it’s time. It’s time to take responsibility. It’s time to stop running away. It’s time to share. It’s time to support. We need you now. Because time is running out.

With all that’s happening in the world, it’s been predicted that we have less than 30 years to turn this entire ship around. Our planet, politics, humanity – it’s all connected.  

There is simply no time left for endless journeys to fix ourselves, sitting in meditation for 30 years, or going on countless psychedelic trips to resolve our “stuff”. All of this continual work is important. But it’s time for action. 

What and how can you share now?

 There are so many ways! Large and small. They can be silent. They can be loud and proud.

            • Shift your career

            • Uphold industry pay standards + hold a pro-bono client

            • Start a true non-profit

            • Visual artists – let’s please tell more stories that matter!

            • Commune – with your loved ones, teams, and tribes

            • Smile at someone today

Even if we did eventually find a state-of-self somewhere near enlightenment, it is guaranteed someone somewhere will ruffle our feathers. When we are faced with situations that trigger us, instead of sitting with what is happening and dropping into heartfelt conversations so that we can repair, resolve, learn and evolve, we itch to run for the hills. And that is ok. This whole human thing is quite the experience. Words and events can be shocking to our systems. This happens when we have not resolved our “stuff”. But it’s ok! Do the work, acknowledge that itch, learn how to sit with what is happening, stay to receive the lesson, integrate it to move past it, repair the situation, resolve and evolve.

We have that prickly experience. We notice. We notice our impulses. We notice our choice of actions. We “woman up”. We “man up”. We learn. We progress. Within progression is where happiness and freedom await.

Initially, yes, we must turn within and begin to pay attention and cultivate an understanding around what is going on and how to handle being uncomfortable in our own skin. It can be terribly difficult to look at our truths. But this is the starting point.

With this newfound revelation, we might feel the urge to blow up our lives. And there is something to be said for that. Running away, quitting a career, divorce - change will happen all right. 

 But as they say, be careful what you wish for…

Taking these actions in a reactive state versus a resolved state usually only creates a ripple effect of more drama. Coming from a more neutral, grounded place, action might look like speaking with a therapist or coach. It might look like adding a daily meditation - and sticking with it. A handful of therapy appointments, a book and a course will not be a lifelong “fix”. There are a zillion opportunities online alone for continual efforts to observe, learn, understand, change, and transmute without destroying the good we already have been so lucky to find. Often, another human being who is already standing right next to us.

Of course, most of the time, even without an epic event. we simply become complacent. Other times, large and small traumas occur, yet we avoid. Fun must be put on pause which is way too inconvenient. So, we quit for what we think will be much more fun, fast and easy. The person next to us who we adore… oops… we forget our good fortune.

It’s not black and white. These scenarios are all overlap. The point is that we must seek. But we also must stay in order to evolve. Otherwise… we get to repeat. 

This path goes on forever. There is no such thing as a perfect life, a perfect wife, nor perfect wave. OK, well maybe a perfect wave. 

But how did we get to catch that perfect wave?!

We stayed out in the water! We didn’t get smacked and run back to the safe haven of the shore. We paddled our hearts out. We were smacked by close outs over and over. We almost drowned. We gulped so much saltwater that we puked. We paddled out again and again until our arms were limp. Then finally, ahhhh, we paddled, popped up, and found the flow. We all know, there is no other feeling like it.  

This is the luxury. We get to choose!

We choose to learn. Or we drop out, numb out (social media, the next muse, Netflix, cocktails, porn, sex, weed, Trump-ing), ghost the person or situation, point the finger, blame, project, and avoid. 

Now it’s easy to stay and avoid simultaneously which will also only lead to difficulties. But really sitting with what is happening, with healthy boundaries, plus tools and techniques to create a learning environment is where we flourish. Ask me.

Seeking is important. Seeking shows we are curious and motivated. At times, this is key. But once we hit about 75% - you guys - we have no time left for this level of self-involvement. There is no such thing as fixing. Perfection does not exist. There is too much work to be done. We all have endless talent to come together, collaborate and find greater ways to share what we have learned and make this planet a better place.

With all due respect, we all need to get over ourselves, drop the drama, and make real shift happen. Commit to those around you. Vow to seek and simultaneously stay with it. Love your people. Ride those waves. Tomorrow could be too late. 

Edited from original post in 2017 on jonimadere.com.

Yoga and Pilates Can Play a Huge Role in Spine Health

Originally published on YogaToday.com

If you have ever suffered from low back pain, then you know how spine health can be so important for day to day quality of living. How can you keep your spine healthy and prevent back pain before it begins?

Yoga and Pilates maintain a consistent focus on the back and abdominal muscles which are the essential components of the muscular network of the spine. Joseph Pilates, inventor of the Pilates method, proclaimed, “A man is as young as his spinal column.”

The gentle strengthening and elongating offered through yoga and Pilates sessions can alleviate the many mysterious and interconnected issues that arise in and near the spinal column. With these practices, we can maintain good spine health by stretching and strengthening our spines.

Try this Pilates class for spine mobility on YogaToday! Your first two weeks are always free.

Defects and disease in the spine’s structure can occur from aging, injury, genetics and/or sitting at a desk and commuting every day. Discomforts are also derived from stress and fatigue that we tend to shrug off versus taking the time to realign. Harvard Health Publications offers that four out of five Americans will eventually suffer from back pain, but yoga appears to help.

We commonly think of our spine as simply the bones supported by the network of muscles which when healthy is erect, strong and flexible. This is true! However, spine health also ensures the efficiency and longevity of the nervous system. Through the yoga practice, we recalibrate the parasympathetic nervous system. This means the practice can help reset and restore our rest-and-relaxation response, which is paramount. This takes us out of the “fight-or-flight” response created primarily by unresolved trauma (big and small) and copious amounts of stress (read more about the science of stress here) which most people in modern societies experience daily. When we never allow our nervous systems to recover, we eventually experience various forms of dis-ease. Joseph Pilates suggested that his method was just another way to ensure we could fully engage with life.

When practiced consciously, both yoga and Pilates decompress and elongate the spine, providing a feeling of space. When we create more space in our physical bodies, we can move and breathe with much more ease. From this relaxed and spacious place, we become less reactive to life and more responsive from a neutral, intelligent, and grounded perspective. This is one reason why it is strongly suggested to remain in savasana, or corpse pose, for a bare minimum of five minutes at the end of a yoga class. Lying down with the spine in a neutral position allows the nervous system to integrate the physical practice and reset itself.

Essentially, the practices of yoga and Pilates are two-fold toward spine health. They keep our spinal column physically fit while simultaneously supporting our nervous system allowing for comfort, ease and vitality for life.

Want to kick your spine health into high gear? Try this yoga practice from Adi Amar, Healthy Happy Back, to keep the spine strong and supple.

Add this short sweet pilates session for the abdominals. Pilates Core Fire with Nikki Beck to round out 50 minutes toward a healthier spine today.

What Do You Do?

Life ebbs and flows. We can really only surf the waves of today, and every day, in each moment, of each day. The practices of yoga, meditation, and related offer options we may have never discovered previously. We learn that leaving old identities and attachments behind, the many labels and titles, is simply OK. Those labels and titles, at their roots, are simply something for the ego to identify with… something to which one can answer the question at parties, “What do you do?"

When we become more interested in who we ARE rather than what we DO, the truth unfolds and we can begin a path to inner and outer freedom. Might be fun. Might meet some challenges along the way.

Much like we avoid the yoga poses that we don’t like, often they are the ones we need to spend more time with to get to the root of the struggle, become strong and supple in both mind and body, access, understand, and “pose” even in the midst of a fiery asana practice. Taking that grounded and expanded “pose” off of the mat into real life, we are then able to have the difficult conversation with a coworker, take an absolute 111% honest look at oneself, truly hold space for another’s vulnerability and transparency, or what’s become an overused analogy, stay sane in Los Angeles traffic.

But the only way to release the old and walk into the new is to first access and then gain an understanding around those darker shadows of our psyche, where the mind goes in the midst of not only challenge, but one’s own realized and unrealized truths, in order to step into the lighter more playful side of life. Yep. Surfing today, every dang day.

Next time someone asks, "What do you do?"

Consider turning that question around, asking yourself, “Who are you?”

Who are “you", when it’s just you. No kids, no parents, no siblings, no personal life partner, no professional partners, no titles,  just “you".

Plenty of content out in the world on this with far too many masters to credit. 

But earlier this year, a friend turned me onto Eckhart Tolle’s book "A New Earth” which is an incredible revisit to this question, "What Do You Do?", and many more.

If you’re a podcast person, drop into his New Earth series with Oprah HERE.

Love What Comes Up

When something arises that we don’t want or don’t like, our tendency is to resist.

When I was growing up, like most of us, I didn’t know any better.

Did you?

What I’ve learned is to notice my reactions to what comes up. 

Now this isn’t always easy.

I have admittedly not yet learned the art of paying attention - every single time.

But pay attention. Notice if you are triggered. Ask yourself why. 

Creating awareness around reactions to anything that comes up improves life immensely. 

It’s an opportunity.

To learn from reactions.

Understand them. 

Own what is ours.

Take radical responsibility for our part.

Then make an effort to shift. 

Shift to that place of learning and gaining from an experience rather than resisting and running away.

We tend to cling to the way we want things to be, to control people and our experiences with them.

Instead, dropping into and sticking with an experience - as it is - allowing the rush of feelings and emotions to pass like waves - we find that usually something better awaits us on the other side.

Relax.

Love what comes up, whatever it is.

Action is the Answer

Still dreaming about what you want to do?

Still wallowing around in why it hasn’t magically transpired out of thin air?

Action is the Answer.

There are times when it all seems impossible.

I know. I’ve been there.

Stuck Stuck Stuck.

But this is YOUR one big life and no one can take it away from you - except you.

Sure, we all encounter obstacles along the way.

But let’s reframe it.

If you are living in a first world country and you own a laptop and/or and iPhone, you are light years ahead of most of the people on the planet. That’s a quick reframe

I am the first person to give you immense understanding and positively hold space for you. If you are self-made, self-sufficient, have been through copious amounts of loss, grief and life challenges, trust me, I relate. But anyway we look at it, eventually we must start where we are.

My first suggestion is to allow yourself, even if no one else will, to be where you are. Be with whatever is happening. Second, listen to no one around you. No one. Only you are having your current experience. No one can take that away from you. Go easy on yourself. Third… you know what’s coming,… start. Start small. Start now.

Finally. Find neutral support. An even-keel sounding board will take you from where you are to where YOU choose to be.

If this resonates, reach out today. That is an action!

Gratitude

Having a hard time hearing about gratitude? 

I hear you. Gratitude gets thrown around ad nauseum these days. Right alongside those fluffy inspirational quotes.

Much of my generation grew up hearing we should be grateful for the food on our plates,as there were starving children in Africa.

It’s true. We should.

But as little kids we were likely confused thinking, “Where is Africa?” 

As a young adult, we are so consumed with figuring out who we are in the world, finding our place in our careers, while navigating relationships, moves, marriages, and kids. Then comes another decade of divorce, another move, health issues, another marriage, and a career change. Life moves too fast.

Gratitude can feel elusive.

Throw in some additional curve balls plus a healthy dose of trauma, new and/or unrealized old, that arises seemingly out of the blue. Life itself can make gratitude and inspirational quotes feel oh so far away, unrelatable, and essentially out of reach for so many people.

In fact, in the era of positive thinking, telling people to, “Just find gratitude.” does not usually support them in the least. It can drop people into noticing more of what they do not have versus what they do.

In searching for solutions, I found ways to drop into gratitude that worked for me. We are all individual so I’ve found with my clients that this process can look different for everyone.

One way I found is to surround myself with inspirational people including those who also paved their own way. These self-sufficient people understand how much longer it takes to get to where others are born into, greatly supported in reaching their dreams. It is difficult not to compare ourselves to those around us. Comparison – the thief of joy! Surrounding myself with friends and peers whose grit, determination and courage rewarded them with their success feels necessary for sanity. 

Another way is to go outside. Breathe deep. Soak up the sun. Gaze at the stars. This reverence for deep nature can put things in perspective. We realize how tiny we are which somehow melts drama and highlights appreciation.

Finally, drop into trust. Trust that life is working for us. Deep trust in that everything is going to work out just fine. Know that there is no controlling timing. This “knowing” allows us to relax. Relaxing allows for much more flow and trust, eventually finding our way to gratitude.

Thank yourself for the little things, the big things, and, yes, the food on our plates. It costs nothing… Gratitude.

Listen to Your Body

If you have ever experienced mysterious body aches and pains, your body may be trying to tell you something. Are you listening?

Original Post: Fall 2017

I’ve encountered a few instances where my body was trying to talk to me. But I didn't listen. I kept going. I kept going because I wanted to and because I needed to in order to make life happen. Upbringing. Circumstances. Conditioning. Bills. We all have ‘em, yes?

The left side of my body, controlled by the right brain, first surprisingly screeched at me in 2011. An initially severe scenario, it has ebbed and flowed over time. With immense care, I am still working through the final stages of transmuting it today. Awareness, understanding, and practicing the rituals that allow shift to occur are a part of everyday life. 

My Rolfing Structural Integration practitioner was first to alert me that my experience was rooted in the psoas. From this place near the center of the body, the pain moved throughout my entire left. Beginning where the psoas is attached near the lower ribs, down into the lower belly, hip flexor, low back, and extending down into my left foot. It also flared up into my left back, shoulder, and neck. Extensive to the point of waking up every morning curled up in fetal position with no desire to move.

I would pry myself open, hot tub/hot shower to better unfurl, and drag myself to yoga. Even though the yoga practice was uncomfortable, it opened my body up further to better get through the workday.

To this mysterious issue, I lost some prime time. No doctor nor practitioner could pinpoint what was going on.

With a hint from a friend at my yoga studio, I narrowed a lot down to adrenal fatigue. Later my M.D. / Functional Medicine Doctor determined I was correct.

To reconcile, I scaled my entire life back. I left the wine business I had begrudgingly gone back to after the Recession of 2008 in favor of more supportive and positive environments. Not the best time for a career change, but part of the root of this issue was being forced back into work that no longer inspired me. I also had to step far outside of the realm of Western medicine to skyrocket the healing process. Another story.

In this particular instance, my face broke out in an incessant rash. I had been soaking up sunshine trail running in Marin County, California during a big year for poison oak growth. I had never before contracted poison ivy or poison oak despite growing up around it. But it was in abundance that year according to the locals. So when I felt the tingle on my chest and two nurse friends labeled it poison oak, I grabbed all of the recommended remedies. 

When I realized it had subsided but wasn't fully leaving me, a doctor friend said it could be any number of ailments that often go undiagnosed.

It began on my chest spreading up my neck, face, and forehead, up to my hairline. Blistery. Itchy. Hot.

It went on for weeks, then months. According to doctors, it was no longer poison oak after a few weeks in the system, even if that was what had originally inspired it.

I traveled north to Oregon where the temperature shot up to over 100 degrees adding to the irritation. I took to icing it constantly seeking relief.

By month five, I had seen three different doctors who all put me on different medications without a true diagnosis. None of their guesses at remedies healed the issue. One of the medications was an intense steroid that, just like the doc warned, made me feel crazy.

The dermatologist I consulted once back home said, 

“Well, we think this is related to rosacea, and in this mountain town we see this a lot, most often in women your age.”

But he didn’t seem too concerned about why it is so common. Nor why he saw it primarily in women my age.

Turns out, this common skin agitation is directly related to stress. Thankfully, by the time I saw him, I had already been on the self-healing path for weeks.

My conclusion finally came when I became honest with myself about the fact that my nervous system was triggered like crazy from past events. Trauma. Old trauma reactivated by a situation that I knew, logically, could not be reoccurring, but my body was trying to tell me otherwise. The good old “fight or flight” response reactivated because our bodies naturally want to protect us from harm.

On the surface, I was having the best time of my life. But underneath it all, I was severely stressed, worried, and unsure. Once back home, I took to my yoga mat. I took to meditation. I cleaned up my diet to be sure nothing there was the cause. I took to copious amounts of self-care. 

I put a microscope on what was going on. I rested. 

I spent time laying horizontal and breathing deeply into the base of my belly every day resetting the parasympathetic nervous system, allowing my system to realign.

This was very similar to the processes I employed to rectify my fatigued adrenal glands.

Simple. No pranayama. No fancy breathing practice (derived from pranayama) touted by who’s who. Don’t get me wrong, I back many of these breathing techniques 100%. And initially used the 4-7-8 breath offered by Dr. Andrew Weil to begin this healing process. But eventually, I employed deep breathing all the way to the base of the belly expanding in all directions, slow and sure, for as long as I could make time for, every morning and every night.

Simple. Simple. Simple.

This placing attention on the issue, placing more attention on the breath, clean nutrition, hydration, and self-care, is what it took to resolve the rash.

This, unlike the expensive medications, did not cost a dime.

During stressful times since, I’ve felt a definitive twitch under the skin. And listened.

Every time, using the same simple technique, the tingle has disappeared instead of rearing its ugly head.

When we have not fully resolved past trauma and past stressors, the body holds on to them.

I promise, whatever is going on, no matter how much kale you eat and no matter how much you exercise, any issue we have rooted in the emotional realm might just eventually manifest in the body. It may also manifest in our relationships, our current habits that we cannot kick, our work, and our financial realms. Everything is connected. 

The amount of unidentified "dis-ease" out there is rising exponentially. But it is exactly that. Dis-Ease. And so much of it is derived from stress.

My prescription is to clean up the basics, breathe, relax, reset, find gratitude in the smallest of life's pleasures.

Ultimately, this is a call to move from leading with the head to leading with the heart.

Listen to your body, friends.

The body does not lie.

If this hits home, message me today.

Interested in similar stories?

The documentary, HEAL is a great place to start.

We all have beautiful lives awaiting us. Truly our birthright.

Feeling the Pressure?

To work longer and harder?
To be all things to all people?
To meet all expectations?
To be perfectly flexible? Adaptable? Accommodating?

Stop.

The world is racing at an alarming rate. It is not possible to be all things, to all people, all the time. We place far too much pressure on ourselves, which can leave us feeling more like failures than the loving, compassionate, and supportive people we are.

5 Daily Steps to Keep Your Cool Under Pressure

Slow down.
Hydrate
Breathe deep.
Move your body.
Work smart

• Slow Down. Slowing allows us to focus. In turn, we often speed up by moving much more efficiently through the task at hand.

• Hydrate. Most Americans are dehydrated most of the time. Consuming enough quality water (no plastic containers please) wards off hunger and a host of other issues. 

• Breathe Deep. Breathing deeply into the base of the belly allows for our nervous systems to rest, repair, and reset. Take five minutes today to just breathe.

• Move Your Body. Exercise. Walk to work. Stand up and move away from your desk every 90 minutes and stretch. Dance. The benefits are beyond measure.

• Work Smart. It only takes a few tools and techniques to focus, power down, and complete more work in less time. Ask me.

From this more neutralized state, we create more space for the pleasures of life. And suddenly the pressure is off.

We find fortune and gratitude in the opportunities to:

Create Every Day
Commune with Nature
Gather with Family, Friends and Furry Companions
Celebrate

Calling All Soul Rebels

Living in the lands of the free and the brave
Living like no one is watching
Living like there is no tomorrow
Living wild and free 
Tried and true
Ride or die
Independent
Interdependent
Self-responsible 
Radically responsible
Conscious
Conscious of the collective
Far from perfect
Loyal AF 
Navigating unique lanes
Paths less taken
Freedom fighters
Eyes on the prize
Fending off confinement
Fending off judgment
Breathing deep
Creating opportunity
Cultivating co-opetition
Leveling up
Raising the collective
No one above
No one below
Calling all soul rebels

Musings.

Photo: International Women’s Day 2017

 

  

Set Me Free

More and more people are “waking up”. 

What does this even mean?

People are realizing they don’t exactly feel free in their own lives. While this is our birthright, managing the realities of life in these hectic modern times makes freedom feels more elusive than ever.

What a racket.

We followed the rules.

But damn if we are still not quite where we want to be. Where we were told we would be by gaining a good education, obtaining a secure job, marrying, having children, serving our communities, along with other more traditional ways of being.

Today, we are simply living in a different era. In the 1900’s, we moved from the Industrial Age to the Information Age. Now we are moving into what is more of a multisensory age or holographic era.

There are many terms coming into fruition for this “age” depending on where you choose to search. But as a holistic health practitioner, we see plenty of people moving from holistic, referencing the whole, to experiences that appear to be multi-dimensional. Stemming from the Information Age, moving at the speed of light, we will see what the future holds. For now, with so much coming at us from every direction, there is no way humans are not evolving in order to cope, for better or for worse.

This might sound a little out there. But times are changing at an ever-increasing rate. We are all being encouraged to become a lot more open to possibility, new ways of thinking, and fast-paced change, yes? Larger government and corporate structures are not keeping pace for the people, so we must become fast and light in order to move with the times. Releasing attachments to essentially all forms of security and stability is becoming not only a way to survive, but also an avenue toward living in flow with whatever is happening around us. This is how we set ourselves free.

Simplified, we find freedom in two realms.

Outer:

            • of this world, physical, material

            • homes, cars, financials, environments

            • anything we can touch and feel in everyday life

Inner:

            • the endless chatter in our minds

            • to do lists, keeping up with the Jones’, judgments, projections, blaming, etc. of ourselves and others

            • thoughts that lead to feelings, beliefs and actions that do not serve personal/professional relations

In order to be set free, we must drop current identities in some ways to allow for the next chapter to unfold. Tapping into our truths allows us to begin.

Tapping into our individual truths, we figure out what we love. Maybe we thought we knew, but often we realize something new! We discover what works for us and only us – whether that is how to re-create a career or trust the process that is true and unique to a loved one. We learn what lights us up. We ask ourselves questions. We ask other people questions. With this self-awareness, we soon understand how to stay in our own lanes and trust that everyone around us is doing the best they can. We then learn how to better relate to others. Tool and techniques to drop out of our heads and into our hearts are key. Simplified, but this is the way to set ourselves free. 

Ask me how to start this process. 

This inner freedom translates to outer freedom and vice versa. When our minds are “right”, we better create the outer worlds we desire. This, in turn, lends to supporting our inner worlds and creating more freedom. 

We have all heard the adage, “if there is one thing that is constant it is change”. In this new multi-dimensional era, it is now fast-paced change. The cool thing about this is that when we are committed to making our own shifts, they can happen quickly, too.

Tapping into tools and techniques that we can apply to each day is one way to find and/or hang on to our freedom. Ironically, we must release identities, attachments, and control – a similar hanging on – to be set free. Truly a delicate balance.

There is no one way to do it. There is no right way to do it. There is no race or competition or deadline. Other than that it is becoming very clear that we are running out of time. Let’s set one another free.

In the words of the Ram Dass, “You wake up at the rate you wake up.” 

We start where we are. Let’s start today.